It’s very hard to be positive against an advancing wall of rejection.
Up until this week, whilst I may not have made progress, I was successful in treading water. My frantic efforts, were at least keeping me in the same place. I was fighting the advancing currents of depression, crushing inadequacy, and rejection, that have been threatening to carry me off.
The journey of Gender Transition is different for everyone walking this awkward path. For me, the destination has always been about acceptance. After a lifetime of struggling to cope with my identity, my goal is to be comfortable with who I am. Firstly on a personal level, and subsequently Socially or Culturally.
What I have come to understand, is that these two levels are mutually exclusive. I will never be accepted socially, unless I accept myself. Equally, and somewhat more paradoxically, social rejection, even when I am comfortable with myself, rapidly turns into personal rejection, and the cycle of self loathing restarts.
This turns my journey towards acceptance, into a bit of a Sisyphean quest, and that is not a pleasant prospect.