This afternoon I was privileged to be part of an all Womens workshop. The goal of the session was beginning to “Uncover the Diamond within.” The timing was perfect, the last three weeks have been very unpleasant for me as I struggle to adjust to a new regime of treatment, and the opportunity to experience some supportive healing was very welcome.
Of course I went through the usual period of self doubt after checking with the facilitator that it was ok for me to attend. There was much deliberation on my part, I began to examine all of the reasons why I shouldn’t take part. To say I was anxious as Jane and I climbed the stairs to join the group would be beyond mere understatement….
I may have been anxious, however for me this really was a privilege. I felt honoured to be allowed into the space, and invited to participate.
Much effort had gone into preparing the space set aside for the session, candles, art, icons and scent all perfectly combined to create a sense of calm spirituality.
On the face of it I experienced a broad sense of acceptance from the group, the only person making me feel uncomfortable was me, and this discomfort stemmed from a steady glance around the circle in which we were all sat.
I saw Women radiating grace, warmth, and confidence. I was surrounded by uninhibited, expressive, beautiful women and I began to feel completely inadequate in my affirmed Gender role. I cannot move like them, I cannot talk like them and I cannot look like them. This may sound shallow, but in a workshop dedicated to Feminine presence I found myself wanting just about everywhere. I am constrained by the awkward clumsy vessel I am compelled to occupy. A vessel I have abused through the years because it did not match my inner essence. This vessel is now in desperate need of care and love and I am doing my best.
I have treated my body like a pair of once pristine and favourite jeans. Jeans that are now reduced to being worn on occasions where it doesn’t matter if they are damaged. Paint splattered, thread bare and unloved, the jeans are ruined, but they are all I have left…..
From this sensation of inadequacy stemmed a tide of Envy. A powerful form of the same Envy that has driven me down this path. I’m with Nietzsche when it comes to Envy, it is not necessarily a negative force, and it can yield positive change if we work hard to understand its meaning and use that in our lives.
The session was powerful, more intense than I expected, but despite what you may have concluded from reading thus far, overwhelmingly positive.
I was comfortable and familiar with the Metaphysical nature of the techniques and exercises, at least until the final meditation of the workshop. At this point, for reasons of extreme anxiety, based on those same feelings of inadequacy, I chose to withdraw from the group and seek refuge in a corridor. A corridor I should add, that felt rather stark after being in a room full of such vibrant energy.
My withdrawal did not last, I was gently invited to rejoin, which I did, and I remain grateful that I was offered that opportunity.
I hope to build on this session with a further five week course. I know it will not be easy, but if I am to progress on my journey I am sure this group will be pivotal in helping me along.